journal excerpt

JUNE 1994

Aunt Pauline and I had an instant rapport when we reunited. She had lived a full life. Yet, she recognized the possibilities ahead. And her psychic abilities and spiritual lessons would be an inspiration to those on the path to enlightenment. Aunt Pauline went to Gay Parade with us. The day before, an angel appeared and showed her the seven rainbow colors as distinct energies. It was truly amazing how child-like and understanding she seemed to be among the crowd. My gay friends adored her.

Godard was a nice distraction. I spent the night with him in a scary-looking house on the hill side. If he’d live closer… or he was older… I think I’m having a minor depression. The impulse to just take off somewhere and disappear grows stronger everyday. I need someone to hold me, listen to me, and give me wise words. I don’t want to be strong all the time. Perhaps for my upcoming vacation, I should just be by myself.

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JULY 1994

And so I will. I’ll travel to Hawaii all by myself. An adventure. A departure. God, it must be the heat! People falling in love, lust. People losing their virginity. Laughing. Laughing. Life is spinning so fast… There’s that need to take stock of my life again. What I have accomplished. What I haven’t. Little memories neatly filed away on videos and in my brain. What role do I want to play now? For what purpose? Peace. Light. Nothingness. I want that which used to be a part of me. For entertainment purpose only. I’m not making sense, am I?

WAIKIKI GATEWAY HOTEL

DAY 3:

Finally, I’m on one of the islands of Hawaii, the part of Lemuria ages ago. I’m struck by the similarites of Oahu and California. The sceneries resemble downtown LA, Big Bear, San Francisco, Laguna Beach…, except Japanese is almost a second language here. Malls, television, radio stations look and sound like those of mainland. Commerce is the world’s common bond, truly. Let there be peace, and let the earth become a giant America!

DAY 1:

Hot. Humid. Hot. I rented a car and followed the roads wherever they may lead. At Diamond Head, I met a Vietnamese lady vender, bought a French sandwich from her, and had my first swim there. The freeways brought me to Leeward Shore, where I decided to spend the night in the rented Sunbird. I thought of calling the Vo Vi people to stay at their house/meditation center, but hesitated. I was homeless, overdramatically speaking.

DAY 2:

Hot. Humid. Hot. More driving. Waikiki Beach. Waikiki Aquarium. Shopping. Etc. A small thrill happened when the road I thought would lead me to a freeway ended up nowhere on a mountain side, and the car almost got stuck. Another homeless night? Ah, I was dirty and itchy. I prayed, sensing the loneliness of God and all God’s creatures. Finding a room in a good hotel, good location, at a discount was amazing! I felt… God would always take good care of me, no matter what.

DAY 3 (continued):

A storm named Daniel is coming. I had a craving for Vietnamese food and French cafe au lait, but the Vietnamese restaurant I found was closed. Went to Sea Life Park. Had a long nap. Saw “Forrest Gump”. How in the world am I going to find such innocence and heart in a man? More shopping. Watching “Pleasure Palace”, sex with harsh lighting and a surprisingly delightful script. I miss good sex. Should I pick up men? Hey, don’t be uptight. I’m on vacation!

DAY 4:

Waimea Falls Park and Waimea Bay were gorgeous. The drive along Windward Shore made me dream of moving here for good. I think I’m finally at peace with myself, my life.

DAY 5:

I went back to Tastes of Saigon and had a most enjoyable lunch. Managed to see Foster Botanical Garden and Pearl Harbor. The evening has been dull. Compared to last night!

DAY 4  (continued):

Seido was a nice distraction, and I told him so. He left his friends at Aloha Pizza and followed me. I was determined to go to IMAX, so I told him my room number. He decided to see “Hidden Hawaii” with me. Beautiful! I especially liked the silver sword flower, which bloomed and died right away. Seido is Italian-born, Japanese-educated, a practicing Buddhist priest (although his religion emphasizes on moderation, not regulations). We went to A Little Bit of Saigon, a nice gourmet restaurant, and then he drove me to a look-out point. The view of the city at night was breathtaking. In his bedroom with open windows, the storm raging outside, we made love in episodes till morning. I could honestly say that was my best sex ever! If I stayed here, I could love Seido. I hope we’d be friends for life.

DAY 6:

It rained, now and then. I traveled along the coast to get to Polynesian Cultural Center. Enya’s music, the sceneries, the thought of leaving made me want to cry.

I called Seido to say goodbye. He wanted me to come over, so I checked out the hotel early. Seido cooked a delicious dinner. By candle lights, our conversation took an unexpected turn. He said he recognized me as [an ascended master] and wanted to learn from me. He kept thinking about what I said, the separation of physical pleasure and spiritual awareness. When we were in bed the other night, and I was on top of him, I pointed to his groin, then to the top of his head. “You have to close down here in order to open up here.” We both have huge egos that are very devious. I introduced him to Vo Vi techniques of meditation. He was too distracted by his own vision of who he was and his delusion about me. I left when the roosters announced daybreak. (Only here could I write this!) No more heavy heart. Only peace and thankfulness.

Two lessons I shared with Seido last night. One is to feel and listen more than to think and talk. The other is that God is lonely. Seek God and one understands God’s loneliness. I’m no master. But I can help, within my power. Within the power of my heart.

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DECEMBER 1994

Life is full of surprises! Events happen that change what we think would remain constant. One thing for certain, I’m having so much fun. It’s time to plan ahead, what I want to accomplish. As I’ve been saying to my friends these past few days, I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that I’m gonna remain single. That, however, won’t stop me from enjoying all that life can offer. Love affairs, good sex, wonderful friendships, fame, fortune, whatever. The most important aspect is that I’m gonna be God-centered, not self-centered. Good plan?

Today, I spent a lot of time reflecting on past lessons. It’s true that nothing comes easy for me. And it’s true that very few wishes have come true. I haven’t got a chance to fully express my talents, my capacity to love, and my beautiful dreams. Yet, today I had a perfect plan for the future. It involved my twin soul, in a Caucasian form. Both of us would practice meditation, be gay, and be able to relate to others. I imagined him with expressive eyes, radiating kindness and wisdom. Aa, Ab, and Fred would be my best men. What a fantastic life we would lead! Tonight, everybody is out dancing. I’m staying home to read Man’s Eternal Quest by Paramahansa Yogananda. And I’m filled with Grace.

I took a few days off to go to XX. It rained and rained. The time I spent with Fred up there, in his home turf, was critical in determining the next course of my life. As always, we had delightful conversations, discussed projects, and went shopping. I shared with him my vision of a possible future for us. We could have a very understanding marriage right after a fun-filled and profitable wedding. For some reason, I was contemplating a civil union with someone, and Fred, Aa, and Ab were the candidates. Inertia is not healthy for personal development, I said. I might feel too comfortable being single to share my life with that special someone. Then again, everything boiled down to this question. What is my destiny? The first night I slept in his room, I so wanted him to make his move and… Nothing even came close. Although strangely enough, I had a glimpse of our final day. A balcony. Sea breezes. Fred was much older, stockier, standing, looking out to the sea. I was sitting, not much change in appearance, watching him. I told Fred of this, he said my premonition was like a scene from an Italian movie. The second night, we got home late. I was too sleepy to desire anything. About dawn, I sat up and meditated on his bed. I wanted to perhaps see some past lives we had shared. Instead, I received an impression that we would have a teacher-student relationship in the future. I didn’t tell him this.

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OCTOBER 1996

It has been strange the past few days. Fires broke out due to Santa Ana winds. The full moon at twilight was as big as the sun, and so beautiful that I thanked God for its glory. Jay and I got on Little Saigon Television in full drag to promote the show at Ritz. It was the highlight of my longtime drag experience. Somehow it got me the respect and prestige I wanted, not only for myself but for all our Viet sisters out there. We became instant mini-celebs. The show itself was amazing, so I’ve been told. Everybody loved us. We were hot! Alex said I became alive on stage.

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more journal excerpt:

http://thaita.wordpress.com/2010/08/12/my-last-blog/

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http://thaita.wordpress.com/2010/06/13/my-old-journal/

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